Why I am failing to become who I want to be
I went out to dinner with an old friend last week. She just graduated this May (and I graduated in December) and the first thing she says to me when we sit down is, “So, I’ve been doing all I can to avoid being an adult.”.
One important thing to note here is this: This girl’s idea of avoiding being an adult is only working 40+ hours a week and having the weekends off. What was her life like during school? Probably like 50+ hours of work/student teaching + homework/prep on the weekend.
Anyway, so now that we understand that my friend is nothing like a flake we can continue the story. I was taken aback by her statement. She had managed to verbalize my exact feelings since last January. I just didn’t know/understand that was how I was feeling.
So together we discussed and discovered a truth about ourselves: We have been working toward this graduation, subconsciously and consciously, for 15ish years of our lives.
1) No fucking wonder we are burnt out and kind of disappointed in ourselves! We held ourselves to such high standards. We busted our butts trying to build this foundation. And now we are supposed to just go be 9-5 adults. Wow. It’s so funny how we are all constantly striving for that dream job…and don’t enjoy the journey.
So this past week, I have been thinking and thinking about the enjoyment I may have missed out on. And then I discovered another problem: I am literally failing at enjoying each day, even right now! In this moment, with the most minimal responsibilities that I have had in four years.
2) Not only have I ignored and neglected my research paper for a month now…but I’ve been doing it and NOT ENJOYING MY DAYS ANYWAY.
This doesn’t mean I haven’t had a good time at my new job or haven’t enjoyed moving into my own place. I just need to shift the number of awesome days to be greater than the number of self-loathing days.
3) not taking caring of my personal health
So yeah, I need to get my shit together.